10 Conversation Tips For Dates | Happen Magazine.

By Chelsea Kaplan hough you may engage in face-to-face communication about as often as you look up information in an encyclopedia, the truth remains that, when you’re dating someone, actual words and conversations (not just texts or emails) are crucial. In case your conversational skills are a little rusty, we asked Emilie Winter, an expert in the field of linguistics There’s no need to present yourself as a full-on Pollyanna. and interpersonal communication, for a primer on which words and phrases to avoid when dating or trying to woo a potential mate — and which ones are sure to reel someone in. Now you’ll have no worries when it’s time to chat with someone off-line… after you read this advice, of course! Six things to avoid uttering on dates: 1. “OK.” For many people, “OK” is the verbal equivalent of vanilla ice cream; it’s not an exciting or particularly “flavorful” response because it’s non-committal and fails to be either descriptive or illustrative during a conversation. When you say it, it’s likely that your date will shudder at your inability to take a stand one way or another (be honest; who loves talking to someone who can’t be definitively assertive on things?). For example: when responding to the question, “Would you like to meet my parents?” saying “OK” could be very confusing to your date. It could be interpreted as, “I’d love to meet your parents!” or “I’d prefer not to meet your parents, but I kinda feel like I should say yes” or even. “I’d like to meet your parents, but I’m not sure if I should or if you’ll be mad at me if I don’t.” Just saying “OK” can actually deliver a mixed message — so if you aren’t conflicted about the question itself, answer with a decidedly positive or negative response, like: “No thank you; I’m not yet ready, but I might be as we get to know each other better” or “Sure, I’d really like to meet them. How about next weekend?” 2. “Hate” or other words with overtly negative connotations. It can be a huge turn-off to hear lots of extremely negative words like “hate” coming from a person that you find attractive — especially on first dates. Refrain from “hating” things that are “pathetic” and “the worst” in your conversations until you know someone quite well. There’s no need to present yourself as a full-on Pollyanna, but just tone it down a bit, especially if you’re in the early stages of a relationship or you’re trying to make a stellar first impression. Save the hyperbole for later; right now you’ll just seem judgmental, cranky — and, perhaps, a little bit “pathetic” yourself. 3. “Bitch.” This one applies to both men and women: it’s never classy or a good idea to put down any woman on a date. (Or ever, one could argue.) It will just end up making you seem angry, trashy and tacky, and none of those qualities are attractive when trying to impress someone new or woo your date. And try to choose another word when you’re tempted to use it as a substitute for the word “complain” — “bitch” never sounds tasteful. 4. “Ex.” Talking about an ex is a sure-fire way to kill the romantic mood (especially on first dates), not to mention annoy someone or characterize yourself as a person who still holds a candle for someone you used to date. Hold off on discussing your past loves until you’re in a relationship with someone and it’s “safer” to go there. If the topic comes up organically (“What brought you all the way from Iowa to Manhattan?”), refer to your ex as “someone I used to see” or “a person I used to date.” The word “ex” just has negative, ugly and unpleasant connotations that nearly always freak out the person you’re with on a date. 5. “Artsy-fartsy,” “brain fart,” or any other popular phrase containing the word “fart.” In an informal poll amongst friends, the word “fart” emerged as the biggest turn-off in existence. And really, wouldn’t you agree? When it’s used in a judgmental phrase, like “artsy-fartsy,” then you’re guilty on two counts. Don’t talk that way to Using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs is an automatic turn-on. someone when you’re courting. (And it should go without saying that you should try to avoid the actual act of passing gas during a date, too.) 6. Squeals of excitement. OK, so these are not technically words, but they’re absolutely worth mentioning in the context of dating. Ladies, this one’s for you: While expressing your excitement isn’t necessarily a bad thing, doing so in the same manner as a five-year-old girl who’s been given a puppy for her birthday is a major turn-off to any mature man. If you’re overjoyed or run into a long-lost pal when you’re out on a date, keep it together. Hugs and expressions of sincere happiness are wonderful, but shrieks and loud declarations of “oh my GOD!” aren’t. Four words or phrases to consider using in the future: 1. “Sexy.” For many people, being with someone who casually mentions the word “sex” in conversation during the earliest dating stages can be jarring — or even off-putting. “Sexy,” however, is different. It’s softer, and when used as an adjective, it’s flirty, not crude or mechanical. “Sexy” sounds less aggressive than “sex” and most people find it to be quite the turn-on — even suggestive! 2. “Secret.” The hard sound of the “c” coupled with the smooth “s” makes this word seem soft and hard, intimate and tough. Also, “secrets” themselves are provocative and sexy, so this word does the trick on multiple levels in attracting and tantalizing a potential mate. “Succulent” has a similar sound, but usually comes off as kind of creepy and/or trashy when it’s spoken aloud — perhaps because of the “suck” part that comprises the first syllable’s pronunciation. Use that word carefully — unless you have a particularly desired message, if you get my drift… 3. Words that are particularly descriptive in nature. Using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs is an automatic turn-on, because it makes you sound as if you’re truly putting a lot of careful thought and deliberate effort into your part of the conversation. (Using them also makes you sound smarter, which is never a bad thing.) Think about it: Would you be more attracted to someone who characterized his recent fly-fishing trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming as “great,” or someone who called it “picturesque” or “rugged” instead? 4. “Honestly.” Using the word “honestly” — especially two or three times in a conversation — can send subliminal messages to your date that you are an honest, trustworthy person. Be careful to use it sincerely and appropriately, though; “honestly” tends to be used incorrectly and/or colloquially, so reserve it for emphatic statements, like: “Honestly, I’m not the type of person who really enjoys going out to bars and clubs” instead of hyperbolic ones (“Honestly, I’ve never seen a salad so large!”). Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of www.thefamilygroove.com and regularly appears as a guest on XM Radio’s “Broad Minded.” Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.chelseakaplan.com.

Three niche dating sites for targeted romance – CNN.com.

Editor’s note: Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz are the sarcastic brains behind humor blog and book “Stuff Hipsters Hate.” Got a question about etiquette in the digital world? Contact them at netiquette@cnn.com.

(CNN) — Ah, springtime! When a young woman’s fancy turns to quiet desperation. The darling buds of April have shaken off their veils of snow, and you, dear reader, have done likewise with your veils of fleece and SAD-induced despair.

Months of picnics, outdoor shows and wine-sodden nights in summertime finery (or, at the very least, jean shorts and well-worn wife beaters — however it is you roll) stretch out before you. Now all you need is someone to share them with, right?

Might we suggest spending those last few weeks of mixed-bag weather doing what any red-blooded human does when they’re looking for answers: Stay inside and troll the Web.

“I’ve tried looking online for love!” you may cry — quite literally. “OkCupid was too arty (and unemployed) for my tastes, Match.com was replete with pleats and Wall Streets! And Craigslist, well… I need a shower. In bleach.”

We get it. Sometimes you don’t really want to wade through suite after suite of suitors to find the perfect co-picnicker — I mean, we live in a society where we want everything from our coffee to our movies to be instant.

So why not narrow down the search a bit via a superspecific online dating site?

Seriously, guys, there’s someone out there for everyone, and apparently some enterprising developers (just the folks you should trust for love advice) have gone and cataloged them all. Read on for three extremely calculating sites for satiating that aforementioned quiet desperation.

(NB: Shared interests don’t always equate to true love — we know this. Mostly we just find these sites amusing.)

If you like to sweat on a date (in a nonsexy way) …

From the running track to the weight room to the yoga studio you roam, counting the multiplying packs of your abs, marinating in your own sweat and hoping against hope that that dude — the one who always parks his yoga mat unnecessarily close to yours, making for optimal ass-viewing — will ask you to go for a smoothie after the last “Ommmm.”

Usually you’re so bold — you with your hot pink spandex and ability to bench-press your twin bed. But in his presence, all you can do to contain your ardor is assume a child’s pose and weep salty, sweat-mingled tears.

Well, muscle-bound dear, dry your eyes (and perhaps take a shower, too). There’s a dating site out there specifically designed for you: Single Fit People.

This free (for the time being) Boston-based matchmaking machine allows folks who like to work out to find other folks who like to work out to … you know, work out/make out with. The site even organizes events where singles can mingle and run around and stuff.

Yup, on this site, a red face is more likely to connote the blush of love, rather than an abrupt cessation of physical exertion.

If ‘our song’ is likely to be super obscure …

In recent years, you have taken to going to shows alone, parking yourself in the corner with a brimming glass of whiskey and a brimming heart — and no one to share them with. Yes, in the past, suitors have attempted to share your love — nay, indefatigable PASSION — for music.

But many, obviously intimidated by your vast breadth of knowledge, have left mix tapes half composed (Dashboard Confessional? Seriously?), attempted to talk to you while your third-favorite Seapunk band took the stage, and — perhaps most unsettlingly — just put their iPods on shuffle while y’all were making out.

Luckily for you, there’s a free resource on the market that will help you avoid anyone out there who “likes everything but rap and country”: Tastebuds.fm.

The site allows you to easily port over your musical interests from Facebook or Last.fm so as to weed out anyone not familiar with that most important holiday in the world, Record Store Day.

The site even has a feature whereby you can search for events in your area and people to attend them with, so perhaps you can share that whiskey (and heart) with someone special, or at least sort of special, next time around.

You’re a social media ‘ninja’ …

You have SO MANY FRIENDS. Seriously, like 10,000 Twitter followers, a million stalkers on Foursquare, and Facebook — well, let’s just say you had to create a Fan Page for yourself after you hit the friend limit. If a potential date wants to get on your radar, they’ll have to send you a tweet.

You’re just so superbusy at-replying, posting interesting articles to your friends’ walls and checking into the bodega around the corner each night when you pick up your frozen pizza for one (gotta maintain that Mayorship!).

Still, sometimes — amidst the pings, love-red notifications and badges — you feel a deep, dark force sucking at your heart. An emptiness even Instagram for Android failed to fill.

Somewhere out there, however, there’s another soul aching and tweeting and pinging right along with you, and a little site called Tawkify aims to act as your guide through the morass of online social interactions.

For about $15 a pop, Tawkify matches up potential soulmates based on their Klout scores (a service that measures your social influence online) as well as other factors, and sets up phone dates so they can get to know each other the only way they know how — from the comfort of their own cave-like homes.

Theresa Caputo is a psychic medium.  She is a reader who can bring the energy from the spirit world into contact with the physical world.  She can convey visual stimuli, emotions, feelings, how a person passed, and messages from the departed to loved ones who are seeking answers and closure.  Psychic mediums are excellent sources of information for people who need help in grieving and/or are just curious about the afterlife.

The afterlife of a spirit is the energy that lives on and continues in the cycle of life.  It is the energy of the soul.  Being able to connect with the spirit world is truly a gift.  It is attained through listening and feeling the energy of the soul.  Great psychic mediums use the gift to help people through tragedy and grievance.  Psychic mediums are “in the moment” while doing readings.  They can pick up on the energy of the past and present.  They generally do not do the future – although I have seen some mediums do past, present, and future to help their clients.

When Theresa Caputo is writing she is automatic writing.  Automatic writing is a psychic tool to verify the information being sent from the spirit world.  A psychic tool is a way for a reader to pick up on psychic energy.  There are many tools that psychic mediums use including clairvoyance, mediumship, automatic writing, spirit guides, pendulums, seances, and ouiji.

You will see in the show, Long Island Medium on TLC, that Theresa has many white candles burning during the reading.  She also burns white sage in a ritual known as smudging.  These are both ways to cleanse negative energy out of the psychic medium’s space.  It is extremely important for the medium to be able to cleanse often in order to keep positive energy flowing and not let negative energies interfere.  We will have more on our blog about smudging, white sage and white candles to clear energies.

- PSI is not affiliated with Theresa Caputo or TLC.  We love her show and the way she educates the public about clairvoyant mediums.  Therefore, we talk about her in our blog and strongly encourage our clients to watch the show!

Clairvoyance is the psychic ability to pick up visually in order to do a psychic reading.  The word clairvoyance means clear seeing.  Many phone psychics do clairvoyant readings so they can describe images to the person having a reading.  The visual images may be from the person’s past present or future and many times are seen by the psychic from the outside looking in.  Although, I have heard of clairvoyants who also can see from the person being read’s point of view.  In other words, the images from a distance or from a first hand point of view.  It is important to note that some psychic clairvoyants pick up on the past, present or future of a situation.  Please keep that in mind while taking notes and while getting a phone reading.  Clairvoyant readings provide you with visual details that will help guide the person being read through their specific situation.

Depending on the reader, psychics with clairvoyant abilities can see people, photographs, people, shapes, colors,  and/or numbers. Some readers see moving images like a movie and describe that to the person being read.  The reader then describes the visual stimuli and helps guide the person through their decision or circumstance.  A reading can offer insight into different situations and can really help a person feel secure in moving forward or in decision making.

People call to ask phone clairvoyant readers  questions about their love life, work situations, career advice, life issues, and for general readings.

Lights Off, Eyes Open: New Moon Darkens Skies For Meteor Shower : The Two-Way : NPR.

Look UP tonight!  – Renee

Tonight is a good night for a meteor shower. The Lyrids aren’t known for their flashy shows, but this year they’re getting help from a new moon.

The dark skies will be “ideal for meteor watching from the ground,” NASA says.

Kelly Beatty, senior contributing editor for Sky and Telescope magazine, tells Weekend Edition host Scott Simon the best views are from the darkest places.

“For every bright [meteor] you see, there will be many more faint ones, and to see the faint ones, you need a dark sky,” he says.

The relatively feeble light of a new moon will help hopeful meteor-watchers across the continent.

The frequency of the shower is unpredictable, Beatty says:

“Although ordinarily you might see one every five minutes or so, it’s not unprecedented to see … 40 or 50 an hour.”

According to a Chinese chronicle, in 687 B.C. Lyrid meteors “dropped down like rain,” Sky and Telescope reports.

The height of the shower is expected at about 1 or 2 a.m. EDT, according to the magazine. If you’re standing outside, Beatty says the key is to turn your gaze to where it’s darkest.

“But if you trace them back, they’ll all appear to come from the constellation Lyra, which is rising over the eastern horizon in late evening … and as Lyra gets higher up in the sky, the meteors should become a little bit more plentiful.”

Astronomy Magazine suggests looking straight overhead and letting your eyes wander. Don’t stare directly at the meteors’ origin, it reports:

“All other things being equal, the farther away from the [point of origin] a meteor streaks, the longer its trail will be.”

If you’re not up for standing outside in the middle of the night, NASA will have a live video feed embedded on its site, along with a Web chat with three NASA meteor experts from 11 p.m. to 5 a.m.

During the chat, NASA says, they will cross-compare images from meteor cameras on the ground with images from a video camera attached to a rubber balloon, equipped with a GPS tracking system.

NASA says the hope for the flying camera, which will be launched by middle- and high-schoolers in Bishop, Calif., is to record meteors “from a vantage point well above the clouds.”

“While not expected, the team hopes for the good luck to capture both a balloon-cam view and an meteor camera view of the same meteor, providing an unique perspective.”

After about 2.5 hours, NASA says the balloon is expected to rise high enough that the atmospheric pressure will pop it, releasing a parachute that will float the camera back to Earth.

For those of you who need to brush up on your astronomy, Beatty has a reminder about what you’re looking at when you see those streaks of light:

“There’s a comet called Thatcher, which last came through this region of the solar system in 1861, and it’s in an orbit that lasts more than 300 years. As it goes around, it spreads out debris, kind of like dust coming off of a truck, and it spreads around its orbit, and every April we plow through those little dust particles.”

Those bits of dust are traveling fast, Beatty says, hitting the atmosphere at about 30 miles per second. They transfer all that energy to the air molecules around them.

“They get heated up to thousands of degrees, and that’s that super hot air that gives off the light, more than the little particle itself,” he says.

All meteor showers, Beatty says, are the result of Earth crossing the path of various comets.

The next shower to mark on your calendar is on May 5, according to a schedule of 2012 showers from Sky and Telescope.

That shower will be brought to you by the better-known Halley’s Comet, although a full moon accompanies it this year.

Find Mr. Right: Patti Stanger’s Top Dating Tips | Lifescript.com.

Looking for Mr. Right but getting only jerks and players? Meet Patti Stanger, founder of The Millionaire’s Club and star of the Bravo reality series “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” In this Lifescript exclusive, she shares the 411 on finding a great guy, women’s biggest mistakes and why you shouldn’t change for a man…

Is he the marrying kind? Or are you pressuring him too much? Patti Stanger, host of the hit Bravo show “The Millionaire Matchmaker” will tell you the unvarnished truth – and help you find Mr. Right.

With a combination of tough love and strict dating rules, Stanger, 48, has carved out a matchmaking empire. Besides her show, which begins its third season Jan. 19, Stanger is the author of Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate (Atria). She has also recently launched an online dating site, PSxoxo.com (Patti Stanger Hugs and Kisses).

Stanger knows firsthand how tough the dating world can be. An online dating veteran, she recently became engaged to realestate executive Andy Friedman.

Although Stanger charges 50K to set women up, she shares her tried-and-true advice on finding love for free in this Lifescript exclusive:

What should women look for in a guy?
A man who has 80% marriage material already embedded in his DNA, which means he’s not comfortable being alone and dating. If he’s 40 or older, he should have friends who are married.

If he’s still hanging with a pack of guys 30-45 and they’re not married yet, he isn’t going to marry. There’s no urgency.

In light of the Tiger Woods’ cheating scandal, how can women tell a good guy from a player?
There was no way to recognize whether Woods would [cheat]. However, beware a guy who has multiple girls as friends, is straight and is not a metrosexual – [meaning] he’s not getting manis and pedis with her. That means he keeps his exes on a rotation and he’ll go back for ex-sex.

If he’s hanging out once or twice a week with his girl “friends” and he tells you, “She’s just a friend,” beware. That’s baloney. He’s keeping her on ice.

How is dating different for women in their 30s and 40s than in the 20s?
In your 30s, you’re usually on the baby track. You want a guy by Monday and a baby by Tuesday. In your late 30s and early 40s, that window is closing, [so] you start thinking about you.

We should be like that in our 20s, not just our 30s and 40s. We get the message way too late. We should start teaching this to our girls from puberty on: It’s about you. You’re the deal. We can make babies, we can make just as much money, we don’t really need [men] and we can multi-task. We are much smarter than them.

The younger you are, [the more likely] you are to make decisions based on what I call “catnip sex.” If you sleep with a loser and he gives you a really good orgasm, you want more – you’re crack-addicted.

He hasn’t done anything – he probably hasn’t even taken you out to dinner – and you think you’re in love. That’s the problem. Men don’t get bonded by that.

What are the biggest mistakes women make on a first date?
They get drunk because they’re nervous. You should never go past two drinks, even spritzers. You’re going to make a mistake – your clarity is going to be clouded.

The second thing is, you baggage dump. You talk about the ex, what went wrong in the divorce or the last boyfriend. You think it’s innocent, but it monopolizes the conversation and de-naturalizes sex. You no longer feel special to that person, nor does he to you.

What advice would you give to women insecure about their looks?
Work out. Don’t stop eating – work out.

Are you saying that a good body is more important than personality?
No, but it gives you confidence. When you’re in shape and you feel good, you don’t care whether you have a guy or not. Then he shows up! It’s [something] that he can feel, like a vibration.

When a guy sees a hot girl who’s totally insecure, he’s either going to sleep with her and drop her like a hot potato or he’s going to walk away because of her insecurity. We see that all day long. They’d rather have the woman who has more confidence.

So how do you find Mr. Right?
A millionaire or a regular guy?

If you want a regular guy, go where they are – and they’re not where you think. [Go to places] like ComicCon. It’s in the light of day, so alcohol isn’t masking your eyes or his.

Electronic trade shows are good. You’re meeting corporate guys and CEOs, not Best Buy boys.

Go up to someone and say, “I don’t understand how this works.” When you’re smiling and looking sexy with your low-cut suit, he’s going to notice you – unless he’s married.

If you want a millionaire, hit any steak joint between 5 and 7 p.m., settle in, get a martini, know the [game] score on TV, smile and do the five-second flirt: If you see a man you’re interested in, make eye contact and hold it for five seconds. If he’s into you, he’ll approach you.

If you look halfway decent, smell good and you’re a happy person, he’ll come up to you. He may not be the guy you want, but he’ll come to you

What can a woman do to progress a relationship if the guy is commitment-phobic?
First of all, don’t have sex without monogamy. Second, you need to become your own matchmaker.

Don’t take his phone calls all the time. Tell him, “I’ve got plans that night.”

He doesn’t own you, you’re not his property. Unless you have an understanding of being together every Saturday night, get busy.

Men generally know in 10 seconds whether they want you. Whether they want to “buy” you, that’s a different story.

What qualities do you look for when matching men and women?
It’s not a matter of qualities, but the vibration of one person matching the other’s. I could say beauty, brains and class in a woman, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s all about the two people and what they want. Then I try to teach them the hindrances that are blocking them from finding love.

If I’m doing it on my Web site, psxoxo.com, I’m looking at profiles and what people write. Most people think, “Forget the writing.” But your writing has to be succinct to attract a man or a woman.

It’s key to hear the language, the slang and catchphrases. Are they dry? Boring? Serious? Do they have a good sense of humor? All that comes into account.

Also, is the picture dated? I’m not stupid, I can figure it out. If their screen name isn’t good, if their profile isn’t written right, if a guy is asking for 50 million pictures and you already gave him two, cut him off at the pass so you’re not wasting time.

What are your guy deal-breakers?
Toxic men who are alcoholics or have addiction problems. Other huge deal-breakers: men who are morally corrupt, chauvinistic, misogynistic, narcissistic – which we call “NPD” (narcissistic perfectionist disorder) – and my least favorite person, the fixer.

You want to fix me? I’m not your girl. [If] you accept my flaws like I accept yours, we can have a relationship. But if you think I have to lose 10 pounds before you marry me, get a better job, change my hair color or get bigger boobs, hit the dirt.

Why did you start your dating Web site?
I didn’t want to be teaching only millionaires. What about the masses? These people don’t know what they’re doing!

I was having the worst time on the Internet too! You go on a date, close the restaurant and think you’ve met your husband. But then you find out that he’s trolling for new girls [after] you get home! I’d never seen anything like that. I was horrified.

Then I realized there’s a method to the madness. There are guys who email you, ask for your number, take you to dinner. He has a few bucks in his pocket. He may not be the best-looking guy, the richest or tallest, but he’s usually marriage material.

Any tips for women to improve their online dating profiles?
You have to make your profile and screen name conducive to men. You may not be the prettiest girl, but get a professional photo … men don’t care about the snapshot.

In the photo, don’t hold a beer in your hand, don’t hold seven puppies or six cats and don’t put 25 guys in the picture with you.

A pretty girl, a pair of jeans, regular low-waist Levi’s, a cute little T-shirt or a black dress with heels, and he’ll come a’calling, even if you’re not a 10.

You recently got engaged. What made you decide to get married?
He decided, not me! [It has been] almost six years. I broke every rule in the book; I let him get away with murder.

It was a good and bad situation. I worked on my business and made it soar. When I’m in a relationship, I’m better in business. I’m relaxed.

He wasn’t indecisive [about me], but [the bad part is that] he didn’t necessarily want to get married; he was in his 50s, he’d never been married and was a California boy. They have kids out of wedlock there. I’m from New Jersey and New York – we don’t do that sort of thing.

I think once I got famous and had ex-boyfriends contacting me from Facebook, he got nervous. His sister said, “If you don’t carpe diem [seize] this next year, she’s out of your life. She’ll probably start dating on the show.”

How did you two meet?
One of my matchmakers fixed me up. She saw that I was having a really bad time in L.A. It’s probably the worst [city], because people are good-looking, but they’re not committed and loyal.

You didn’t live together before getting engaged, right?
There are a lot of good reasons why. First, I think it keeps them on their toes. He wants to see me way more than I want to see him. I’ve got work to do.

And I’m a double Gemini and need my down time. When we get married and move in together, I’ve [told him], “You’re getting a cave and I’m getting a cave.”

Ira Israel: What Is Mindfulness Meditation?.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” — Albert Einstein

Mindfulness meditation is simple to explain and difficult to practice.

A popular type of mindfulness mediation is when we learn to observe our thoughts. But what does it entail to be able to observe our thoughts? And what does it imply to watch thoughts pass through our mindscreens as if they are clouds drifting through the sky? It entails a WATCHER that has some distance from those thoughts and is able to observe them impartially. And this implies that we have a CORE SELF that is not comprised of our thoughts, or at least not solely by thoughts.

What is the core self that is able to watch our thoughts? Is it something spiritual, such as a higher power? A soul? An atman? Or is it a state of being, such as samadhi, nirvana, or moksha? Or is it something divine, such as God, Ein sof, Brahman, Krishna, or universal consciousness? What about a collective unconscious? Or prana? Or love?

Maybe a better way to approach the problem is by rephrasing the question from a less spiritual and more scientific paradigm: How do we get the mind to look at the mind?

One interesting characteristic of the mind is that you cannot tell it what NOT to think about. For example, if I say, “Close your eyes. Now don’t think of a pink elephant.” What normally happens is that the mind puts an image of a pink elephant onto your mindscreen and then removes it.

Each time someone utters the command, “Don’t think of X,” our minds put X into our mindscreens and then remove it. Thus, it is easy to see why we cannot consciously weed out traumas and negatively-charged recollections from our memories. If/when our mind blocks a trauma, this is what Freud deemed a “repression,” and it only occurs subconsciously. (I anticipate fellow therapists arguing that EMDR or a similar modality accomplishes something akin to “suppression,” or some type of conscious reprogramming, but for most people it remains impossible to intentionally erase negatively-charged files from our mental hard drives. Just ask any diehard alcoholic.)

Must we trick the mind so that it somehow gets some insight into how it is operating?

The ancient spiritual tool of meditation (now commonly referred to as mindfulness meditation) was devised to take us beyond our thoughts and enable us to “realize” — i.e., experience — that we are essentially united with the divine. But we can also use this tool for its psychological effects because it allows us to temporarily dis-identify with our thoughts.

Descartes’ Cogito Ergo Sum — I think therefore I am — proposes that we get our personal identities through our thoughts. This would not be entirely awful if our minds did not have a negativity bias.

But they do. A disproportionate percentage of our thoughts are negative.

Which is also why mindfulness meditation is such an effective psychological tool. Because by learning to impartially observe our thoughts, mindfulness meditation allows us to gain brief respites from the soundtracks in our heads. When we are able to dis-identify with our mental chatter — even just for seconds at a time — we are able to cultivate equanimity, peace, calm, tranquility, and non-reactivity.

Although meditation was devised thousands of years ago for spiritual reasons, today we can employ the tool of mindfulness meditation for its psychological benefits.

For more by Ira Israel, click here.

For more on meditation, click here.

Flickr photo by vaticanus

Sadhguru: Death: A Spiritual Process.

The process that you refer to as “life” is something that can be endlessly improved upon. That is the beauty of it. It does not matter if you live for a thousand years and do everything that you wish to do; something more could be done, something better could be done. This is the way of life. But death is super-efficient; it doesn’t need anybody’s assistance. Life is happening on so many levels of inefficiency, but have you ever seen death happen inefficiently? When it happens, it is perfect. Perfect and absolute. You do not have to think about death, you do not have to reflect upon death, but mortality — the limited nature of life — is something that needs to be reflected upon.

Just watch your breath right now: inhalation, exhalation, inhalation, exhalation. If the next inhalation does not happen, phew. Life is very fragile; don’t take it for granted. Just see how fragile it is. You always think somebody else will die, but you will also die. It is just that you won’t get to read your obituary. Death is not something that only happens to somebody else — it will happen to you and me. Death is the one thing that has remained unadulterated. The human mind can corrupt everything else, but death has remained untouched. And death is the only certainty in your life. In your life, you do not know what will happen and what will not happen. Life is constantly uncertain, but death is a 100 percent certainty. Don’t have any doubt about it.

Being aware of your mortal nature is extremely important. If you remind yourself every day, twice a day, that you will die, then you will naturally move toward knowing higher dimensions of perception. People think they are immortal, that is why they have time to live foolish lives. But if you know that today could be your last day, would there be time to get angry with anybody? Would there be time to do anything stupid with your life? Only people who believe they are immortal can fight to the death, but those who are constantly aware of their mortal nature do not want to miss a single moment; they will naturally be aware. If you are willing to experiment, just see that you have only two more hours to live. You will become super aware; you will not miss anything.

For many spiritual aspirants, the first part of their training is to sit in the cremation grounds. Gautama the Buddha made this compulsory for his monks. Before he would initiate anyone into monkhood, they would sit in the busiest cremation ground and just watch everybody burning. If you do this, simply look without thinking about it, after some time you will see that it is just yourself. It is your own body. Once you can replace that body with yours and still sit, there is a deep acceptance of death. Once there is a deep acceptance of death, life will happen to you in enormous proportions. But because you have tried to keep death away, life has also stayed away from you. The greatest calamity of the human mind is that it is against death, because the moment you reject death, you also reject life. In your mind, you are trying to keep death out but with it, every other possibility stays out.

It is only when you become aware of death that you want to know what life is about. Only when you start really wondering what life is about does your spiritual process begin. Once you come to terms with death and you are conscious that you will die, you will want to make every moment of your life as beautiful as possible. You will have no time for any kind of nonsense. That is a simple way of being aware.

Sadhguru will teach Inner Engineering in Houston, Texas (May 4-6, 2012). Isha Yoga programs are based on tested, scientific principles. They offer tools for optimal health, emotional well-being and professional excellence. To participate, visit: www.InnerEngineering.com

Free Online Meditation: Isha Kriya is a simple yet powerful practice. Just 12-18 minutes of daily practice brings peace and well-being — helping each individual to create life according to his own wish and vision. www.IshaKriya.com.

For more by Sadhguru, click here.

For more on death and dying, click here.

Flickr photo by Kristian Thøgersen

The ‘Long Island Medium’ is scheduled for public appearances this month – Hartford Pop Culture | Examiner.com.

–Paramount Solutions, Inc. is not affiliated with Theresa Caputo in any way.  But, we do love her show and how she represents the psychic industry as a psychic medium.  Please watch her show on Sunday evenings on TLC.  – Renee

The “Long Island Medium” is back with her second season on TLC and her first episode aired Sunday night. She never fails to provide a heartwarming half hour of entertainment, so you can imagine what she’d be like in person.

Theresa Caputo is so booked for private readings that she has a two year waiting list. There’s only way to see her in person in the near future and that is when she makes an appearance and uses her gift to read people in the crowd.

On April 13th The “Long Island Medium is appearing at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center’s Victoria  in Newark, New Jersey and the following night on April 14th she’ll be in York, Pennsylvania at the Pullo Center located on 1031 Edgecomb Ave. Information for these two shows are at the bottom of this article.

According to Patch, a recent interview with Theresa Caputo reveals how her gift helps families with closure and peace, but “her own family gets annoyed at times with her inability to turn this gift off.”

This is something you see in every episode of The “Long Island Medium,” Theresa can be out for dinner, at the store or getting gas in her car and the dead come through beckoning her to give a nearby loved one a message.

This is when Theresa just walks up to strangers and tells them that their mother, father sister, brother or some other relative wants her to tell them something.

While fans of the “Long Island Medium” can see her in action on Sunday nights on the TLC Channel, to see her in person is almost impossible unless you catch her public appearances.

The information for her appearance in New Jersey on April 13th can be seen here on the Peak Seats website.

The information for her Pennsylvania appearance is here on the Susquehanna Style website.

In May the “Long Island Medium will appear at Tarrytown Music Hall in Tarrytown, NY on May 12th the information for this show is here on Lohud.com

Take a risk and put your true self out there – CNN.com.

Authenticity has become one of those buzzwords that we love to hate. Like many other words that have met a similar fate after being co-opted, misused, and overused, authenticity entered the popular lexicon because it tapped into something powerful in our culture.

Having spent the past decade studying human behavior and the thoughts and emotions that drive it, I would guess that the concept of authenticity tapped into our yearning for more genuine and sincere connection and for less manipulation and pretending. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about politics, work, school, family life, or our kids’ soccer games — we’ve grown tired of being hustled.

Watch Brené Brown’s TED Talk: Listening to shame

Unfortunately, hustling didn’t fall out of favor the same way the word authenticity did, leading me to believe that a conversation about what it really means to be authentic could be helpful. I think the conversation is more important than the buzzword issue. And I don’t buy the criticism that if you have to talk about authenticity, you’re not being authentic.

To me, that’s a lot like saying, “If you have to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it.” Well, the folks I know who have lots of money always ask how much something costs before they buy it. The fear of being perceived as unable to afford the new shoes is what gets us into trouble. The same is true with this conversation — fear keeps us silent, but I don’t see a lot of evidence that not talking about authenticity has given us much clarity about what it means to stop pretending, pleasing, and performing.

TED.com: Thandie Newton on “embracing otherness”

Before I started doing my research, I always thought of people as being either authentic or inauthentic. Authenticity was simply a quality that you had or that you were lacking. I think that’s the way most of us use the term: “He’s a very authentic person.” But as I started immersing myself in the research, I realized that like many desirable ways of being, authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice — a conscious choice of how we want to live.

Authenticity is actually a collection of choices, choices that we make every day. It’s the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.

Some people consciously practice being authentic, and some people don’t, and then there are the rest of us who are authentic on some days and not so authentic on other days. Trust me, even though I know plenty about authenticity and it’s something I work toward, if I’m feeling too vulnerable or I’ve been trapped in a shame spiral of “never good enough,” I can sell myself out in a second and be anybody you need me to be.

TED.com: Brené Brown on the power of vulnerability

Given the magnitude of the task at hand — to be authentic in a culture that teaches us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate — I decided to use my research to better understand the anatomy of authenticity.

What emerged from the data as the most powerful elements of building authenticity were understanding that authenticity is a choice and a practice — having the courage to be vulnerable, and engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than a place of shame or “never enough.”

When I started thinking about what it really means to practice authenticity, I realized that choosing “being real” over “being liked” is all about playing it unsafe. It means stepping out of our comfort zone. And believe me, as someone who has stepped out on many occasions, you’re likely to get knocked around when you’re wandering through new territory.

TED.com: The Web’s secret stories

It’s easy to attack and criticize someone while he or she is taking a risk — voicing an unpopular opinion, or sharing a new creation with the world, or trying something new that he or she hasn’t quite mastered. Cruelty is cheap and rampant — especially when you attack and criticize anonymously, as technology and the Internet allow so many people to do these days.

If you’re like me, practicing authenticity can be a daunting choice — there’s risk involved in putting your true self out in the world. But I believe there’s even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don’t just go away. They are likely to fester inside and eat away at our sense of worthiness.

However afraid we are of change, the question that we must ultimately answer is this: What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think, or letting go of how I feel and what I believe and who I am? e. e. cummings wrote, “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.” I’m convinced that choosing authenticity is one of the most courageous battles that we’ll ever fight.

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The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Brené Brown.