Margaret Paul, Ph.D.: Should I Give Up Me to Not Lose You?.

How far can you afford to bend your values to preserve your relationship? How far can you go in giving yourself up to avoid losing your partner? How much of yourself can you afford to sacrifice to not lose someone you love? How do we find the balance between maintaining our integrity and bending our values?

Most relationships require us to bend to a certain extent, but how much can we bend without a loss of self?

There is an inherent paradox in these questions: A truly loving relationship is a relationship where each person accepts and even values the differences between them. If you have to excessively bend your values to preserve the relationship, what are you preserving? You are not preserving a loving relationship, since love does not demand that you excessively bend your values.

Rather than look at a relationship in terms of bending values to accommodate another person, let’s look at it in terms of each person learning and growing as a result of their differences in values.

For example, Patricia is a highly-responsible person with a strong work ethic, while Sam tends to let things go a lot, which results in an imbalance regarding financial responsibility in the relationship. Patricia is not happy about this. Does she just accept these differences to preserve the relationship? No! That is not what a good relationship is really about. Since a good relationship is about each person learning and growing from their differences, rather than one or both people giving themselves up, Sam and Patricia need to engage in open explorations about their differences. They each have beliefs that can be explored, and in this process, new learning occurs that leads to intrinsic change rather than superficial compromise.

The real problem occurs when one or both partners are not available for exploration and learning. If one partner says, “Just accept me the way I am,” or gets angry or withdrawn when the other partner attempts to discuss the situation, no learning can take place. Then the other partner either has to accommodate or leave — not a healthy situation.

Joe is extremely neat, while Julia has a hard time putting things away. Roberta is always on time while Cecelia is always late. Maggie is a spender while David is a saver. Carl has a high sex drive while Andrea has a low sex drive. Angie is an authoritarian parent while Curt is a permissive parent. Ronald is highly social while Greg is a homebody. Depending upon whether or not each person is open to learning, these differences can lead to:

• Constant conflict
• One partner giving in to avoid conflict
• Both partners opening to learning and growing as a result of their differences

The outcome of these conflicts depend entirely upon intent. In the Inner Bonding process we teach there are only two possible intents in any given moment:

• The intent to protect against pain.
• The intent to learn about love.

When one or both partners have the intent to protect against pain, then they will find many controlling ways of avoiding dealing with their differences. They may argue, defend, withdraw, blame, give in, resist, explain and so on, Each is intent on having their way, not being controlled by the other, or avoiding the other’s rejection. This will always lead to distance and unhappiness in the relationship. The problem is not in the differences themselves, but rather in the unwillingness to learn and grow from the differences.

When both partners are open to learning about their differences, their differences become fertile ground for the exciting process of personal and spiritual growth and healing.

We cannot make another person be open to learning — we don’t have that control over others. If you are in a relationship where your partner refuses to learn and grow from the differences, then you need to be honest with yourself regarding how much of yourself you can give up and still maintain a sense of integrity. You cannot afford to compromise your personal integrity. You can bend and accommodate as long as you do not feel as if you are losing yourself. Once you feel that you are losing yourself to preserve the relationship, you will likely find yourself so resentful of the other person that the relationship begins to fall apart anyway. You are not preserving it by accommodating — you are destroying it while losing yourself.

The key is to be willing to come up against conflict and rejection, and even lose the other person rather than continue to accommodate, when going along with what your partner wants means a loss of your personal integrity. On the emotional and spiritual level, you can afford to lose your partner, but you cannot afford to lose yourself. If you learn and practice, you will discover the strength you need to be willing to risk losing your partner, rather than continue to lose yourself.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a relationship expert, best-selling author, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette, and featured on Oprah. She has counseled individuals and couples, and led groups, classes and workshops since 1968, and continues to work with clients from all over the world on phone and Skype. She is the author/co-author of eight books, including the internationally best-selling “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” (over 1 million copies sold), “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?,” “Healing Your Aloneness,” “Inner Bonding,” and “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?” In 2010, Margaret co-completed a 12-year project called SelfQuest®, which is a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. SelfQuest® is being offered to prisons and schools and sold to individuals, families and businesses. In addition, Margaret offers a powerful 12-week relationship e-Course, The Intimate Relationship Toolbox, and a weight loss course, Dr. Margaret’s Permanent Weight Loss Program, a Free Inner Bonding eCourse and Free Help with relationships, parenting, addictions, personal growth and spiritual growth.

Margaret has three children and three grandchildren. In her spare time, she loves to paint, read, make pottery, and ride her horse.

For more by Margaret Paul, Ph.D., click here.

For more on conscious relationships, click here.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Achieving Balance With Ayurveda.

Life has four characteristics — it exists, evolves, expresses and extinguishes. For this, it depends on five elements, namely earth, water, air, ether and fire. To make it easier to understand we can bring in the five senses and its objects, namely sight, smell, taste, sound and touch.

Ayurveda is the study of life. Ayur is life and Ved means to know. According to Ayurveda, life or existence is not a rigid compartment, but a harmonious flow. Even the five elements of which the whole universe is made of are not tight compartments of defined objects. They flow into one another. Each one of the elements contains the other four.

The subtlest element in us is space, which the mind is made up of, and the grossest is the earth element, which our bones, marrow, the skin and the structure are made of. This is further divided into three Doshas — Vata, Pitta and Kapha. This is a way to understand our physiology, its characteristics and its reflection on the mind.

When an illness arises, it comes first in the thought form, the subtlest aspect, then the sound form, and then the light form, which is in the aura. It is only then that the illness manifests in the body. Simple symptoms arise in the fluid form, which can be eradicated, and then it manifests in the grossest form, where it needs medication. But with the practice of Ayurveda, the illness can be nipped in the bud.

The holistic approach of Ayurveda includes exercise, breathing and meditation. Breath is synonymous to life. Our life is our breath. Our breath is our life. It is very interesting to observe the relationship between breath and the different Doshas in the body, namely Vata, Pitta and Kapha. These three Doshas affect certain parts of the body more than the other parts.

For example, Vata Dosha is predominant in the lower part of the body — stomach, intestine, etc. Diseases like gastric problems and joint aches can be due to the Vata imbalance. Kapha dosha is predominant in the middle part of the body. Cough is mainly a result of Kapha imbalance. And Pitta affects the upper part of the body — the head. Short temper is a sign of Pitta.

Yoga and breathing techniques such as Sudarshan Kriya and the pranayama (channelizing prana or life force to different parts of the body) have an effect on these three Doshas, bringing balance to the system.

Among different pranayama and other breathing techniques, there are specific breathing exercises for the lower, middle and the upper parts of the body, which help bring balance to the respective areas.

How do we bring good health to our system? The first remedy is calming the mind, coming from the subtlest aspect of creation, the ether. If your mind is bottled with too many impressions and thoughts, and it is draining you of your resistance power, that is where it is preparing your body for some illness. If the mind is clear, calm, meditative, and pleasant, the resistance in the body will increase and it will not allow an illness to come into it. The skillful use of breath and meditation can calm the mind.

Then comes the air element. Breathing, aromatherapy, etc., come in this category. Next is the light element, wherein color therapy is used to heal. Before an illness manifests in the body, you can see it in the aura of a person. And by energizing our system with the prana or life energy one can clear the aura and prevent the illness.

Next is the water element. Fasting or purifying the system with water can bring a lot of balance in the system.

The final recourse would be medicines, medicinal herbs and surgery. All these come in when other things fail and the illness becomes inevitable.

The practice of Ayurveda can truly enhance the quality of your life.

For more information, visit http://srisriravishankar.org/ and http://artofliving.org

For more by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, click here.

For more about mindfulness, click here.

Malcolm Levene: How to Maintain Your ‘AAA Rating’.

Awareness, Attitude and Action.

Many of us know that much of what happens to us, intellectually speaking, is dictated by our level of awareness, our attitude and actions. However, only when we become more conscious of how these attributes affect others and us do we make an effort to improve them. These three components are tantamount to who we are or how others experience us. That’s why we all need to pay more attention to these important characteristics. Generally speaking, most of us are less conscious than we could be about these qualities.

In order to improve our communication skills, first we need to improve our awareness. We can do this by being fully present. When our attention is in the present, we can focus on what is really going on in our lives with far more clarity. When we focus on the here and now, not the past or the future, we are truly living. We see, feel and experience life in its fullest sense. This is when our awareness, almost organically, increases exponentially. And once we experience the pleasure this brings to us, we become hooked.

Our impact on loved ones, friends and business acquaintances when our attitude toward a situation is too emotional or unrealistic is usually less than good. In effect, these moments affect our wellbeing and often determine outcomes. We can see the glass as half full, or half empty — in fact, it’s both. However, it’s our attitude that often makes the choice for us. Research makes it clear that as we see life, that’s how it is… An attitude shift in the right direction is one of the keys to more joy. So if you feel that life has thrown you a curve ball, shift your attitude and stretch yourself, so that you can catch it without falling over.

Every action we take has an impact. When we say “yes” and we mean or feel “no,” we often do so to come across as nice or accommodating, and when we do that we devalue our yes. First and foremost, always say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s a healthier way to live because you are being true to yourself. This doesn’t mean just articulating everything you think. If you did that without any emotional management in place, you would be less effective than you would like. And the impact you have on others is likely to be less good than you would hope for.

To live a life that enables you to flourish, I encourage you to make the effort to be the best version of you that you can be. And know that with heightened awareness, an attitude that focuses on being upbeat, and actions that are disciplined by self rigor, you will experience yourself as being the person that you are truly proud of. This is a feeling that will continue to grow as you work on cultivating the desire for your personal growth.

To learn more about Malcolm Levene, visit www.malcolmlevene.com.

For more by Malcolm Levene, click here.

For more on mindfulness, click here.

Deepak Chopra: A Personal Mission: Define Your Wellness.

A basic outline for prevention has existed for more than 30 years, but wellness has had a hard time making real headway. Old habits are hard to break. Our society has a magic bullet fixation, waiting for the next miracle drug to cure us of every ill. Doctors receive no economic benefit from pushing prevention over drugs and surgery. For all these reasons, compliance with prevention falls far below what is needed for maximum wellness.

Rather than feeling gloomy, my focus has been on getting the individual to take charge of their own wellness. This can be a considerable challenge, since we are each unique in our bodies but also unique in our pattern of bad habits and poor lifestyle choices. More than 40 percent of American adults make a resolution to live a better life each year, and fewer than half keep their promise to themselves for longer than six months. Conditioning is hard to break, but the key is that the power to break a habit belongs to the same person who made it — the turnaround amounts to giving up unconscious behavior and adopting conscious new patterns.

Once your mind begins to pay attention, your brain can build new neural pathways to reinforce what you learn. Much is made of the brain’s ability to change and adapt — the general term is neuroplasticity — but I think science has been slow to catch up with wise experience. It has always been true that applying awareness in any form, through such things as resolve, discipline, good intentions, and mindfulness, has the power to create change. The practical dilemma is how to use your strengths and motivation to help yourself remain committed to wellness as a lifetime pattern.

Step 1: Set Goals by Baselining Your Health

The first step in taking control of your well-being is to set goals, and a sensible way to do this is to “baseline” your health. Gather some basic facts that realistically inform you about your body: weight, height, family history, exercise habits, general diet, and a self-assessment of your stress levels at work and in your home life.

Some experts would add medical measures that only a doctor can fully determine, such as blood pressure, cholesterol and other lipids levels, and bone density. My difficulty with these tests is that they encourage worry. Being in an anxious state is a bad motivator for most people. It can motivate you for as long as you remember to be afraid, but after that, people tend to give in to impulses, make erratic choices, and increase their own stress levels. With that in mind, I go against the grain of standard medical advice, at least partially, by saying that heeding these medical markers should come second, after you have already set yourself on a good wellness program for at least six months. Give consciousness a chance before you undermine it with potential anxiety.

How do you actually set your goals? Start thinking about the big picture. Changing poor lifestyle habits is rarely easy, especially if they comfort you, as smoking or overeating do for many people. You need a strong vision of what you want to achieve in order to succeed. I’d say the strongest vision comes from knowing about a simple trend: The latest research shows that more and more disorders, including most cancers, are preventable through a good wellness program. The benefits are increasing with every new study.

Step 2: Set Priorities

Making lists of your hot spots and your sweet spots will help you to set your personal priorities. The hot spots are weaknesses, the sweet spots strengths that crop up during an ordinary day. You can’t attack every bad pattern all at once; it’s good to achieve a series of small victories at first.

Hot spots: List the times you feel unhappy or most agitated — fighting a futile battle to get a good night’s sleep, perhaps, or recriminating yourself for ordering dessert when you were already full. Identify with clear sights your biggest challenges, such as getting to bed on time, reducing food portions, resisting sweets, choosing the couch over the treadmill, and so on. Doing this will help your mission take shape and direction.

Sweet spots: List the things that give you joy and satisfaction, for instance, spending time with your family or enjoying a favorite hobby. Recapture in your mind what it feels like to resist ordering dessert or to spend half an hour walking outdoors. Appreciating the sweet spots in your life is a source of strength as you embark on your habit-changing mission.

Step 3: Identify Harmful Patterns

To change your negative habits, you have to know what they are. Some bad habits, like smoking and excessive drinking, are obvious, but others may be less so. Sitting all day is damaging to your health, even if you get half an hour of exercise or more before or after work. Depriving yourself of eight hours’ sleep for even a short period is also hard on the body in ways that sleep researchers are just beginning to fully recognize.

Forming a new habit takes repetition and focus, and if your attention is elsewhere you may have a harder time adjusting to new behaviors. For that reason, some experts advise against planning big changes if you are going through a particularly stressful period. I think that reasoning is wrong. Although it’s true that you are likely to have more setbacks at such times, it’s just as true that people change as a result of meeting challenges and crises: “Aha” moments occur quite often when somebody hits bottom.

Visualizing your desired outcome is a useful tool in your journey. “Seeing” yourself as you wish to be has helped smokers quit, obese people lose weight, and sports champions achieve their goals. In order to change the printout of the body, you must learn to rewrite the software of the mind. This truism is reinforced by brain scans that show a decrease in certain higher functions (making good decisions, following reason over impulse, resisting temptation) when a person falls into a pattern of giving in to a wide range of lower impulses, such as fear, anger, or simply physical hunger. You need to implement a healing regimen that encourages and rewards your good choices if you want brain pathways to follow suit.

Step 4: Make Steady Changes

Even though you are working on the big picture, for psychological reasons a series of small victories is desirable. In essence, you are training your brain to succeed. Most of us, having been defeated by old conditioning, take the course of least resistance, not realizing that we are training our brains into pathways that rob us of free will over time.

So begin with a victory you can define and which means something to you. Skip red meat for a week. Take the stairs, not the elevator. If you’re very out of shape, walk 10 minutes every day and gradually build up your time. Put down your fork halfway through your meal, take a few deep breaths, and ask yourself if you’re still hungry. If you work at a desk, make it a rule to always stand or pace when you’re on the phone. Over time, what seem like baby steps produce new physiological changes in every cell of the body. Trillions of cells are eavesdropping on your every thought and action. Instead of pretending that your body doesn’t know what you’re doing, make yourself the gift of delivering good news to your cells.

In my view, the most important victories occur in awareness, however. If you tend to procrastinate, be aware of the reasons you do it. We get comfortable in our warm, fuzzy old routines, and making changes, even small ones, feels threatening psychologically, as if even a positive change is a risk. Predict when you will procrastinate and invent a strategy to outmaneuver your future self. For example, if you know you’ll be tempted to hit the snooze button instead of getting up for an early morning jog, put your exercise clothes across the room from your bed — with your alarm clock on top.

Step 5: Reinforce Good Decisions

Sometimes brain research underlines the obvious, but it is a breakthrough to observe MRI scans and see for yourself that good decisions light up the brain in ways that are different from bad decisions. In the larger scheme, when you undertake a wellness program, you will be faced every day with the choice to stay the course or abandon your mission. How does your brain make choices, then?

Executive control, which means choosing a thought or action to meet an internal goal, is managed by the brain’s prefrontal cortex. The orbitofrontal cortex and amygdala play roles in regulating decision-making based on the memory of feelings. Regions of the midbrain, in which the neurotransmitter dopamine is predominant, also influence decision-making. Some of the choices that trigger dopamine’s release: eating sweet foods, taking drugs, having sex.

We may overindulge in chocolate cake because we tend to value the short-term outcome we know (deliciousness) over the long-term outcome we have never experienced (weight loss and increased energy from better nutrition). One way to break that cycle is to reward ourselves in a different way. Instead of eating cake, we can go play a game or listen to music.

How long does it take to form a new habit? An average of 66 days, according to a 2009 study from University College, London. Repetition and giving yourself time to adjust are the main factors in forming a new behavior pattern.

(To be cont.)

For more information go to: deepakchopra.com/

For more by Deepak Chopra, click here.

For more on emotional wellness, click here.

For more on consciousness, click here.

Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.: The Many Faces of Fear and How to Deal With Them.

We’ve all heard the phrase “life is suffering.” Unfortunately, some people misinterpret this to mean there is nothing they can do about their unhappiness. Everyday fears can range from minor anxieties to an intense fear of things that can often be avoided, like snakes or spiders. But generally people enter therapy when life has become unmanageable — when they can’t ignore the level of emotional pain they are experiencing. That often happens when they can’t avoid the situation that disturbs them. For some, turning to therapy makes them feel like they have “failed” on their own and that their fears are a sign of “weakness.” It helps to know that fear is not a “mental” problem. It’s a physiological response arising from physiologically stored memories in your brain. However, just because a fear is “irrational,” doesn’t mean there is no reason for it. It just means it is unnecessary and that there are things you can do to change it.

Emotions like anxiety and fear are physiological warning signals that something may be dangerous and prepare us to respond to it. Like sorrow and anger, they may be appropriate responses to a situation. But knowing that can sometimes be a trap, because feeling anxiety or fear can cause us to buy into the feelings when they are not appropriate. Because there is really no separation between mind and body, when we feel the negative sensations they are often accompanied by fearful thoughts. We can become preoccupied with these thoughts and worry about what might be happening to us now, or what might happen to us in the future. This becomes a vicious circle, with the negative thoughts and negative sensations feeding off of each other.

Noticing that this is happening gives us an opportunity to step back and use a variety of self-control techniques to deal with mind and body responses. These procedures can involve deliberately changing our breathing patterns, thoughts, or using imagery in certain ways. But first we have to recognize that we don’t need to be run by our automatic responses. Yes, these emotions and body sensations have evolved over millions of years for our survival. But just because we’re afraid doesn’t mean there is a lion in the room.

The reasons for “irrational” fears are often the unprocessed memories encoded in our brains. Some experiences are so disturbing that they cause the information processing system of the brain to malfunction. When that occurs, the experience is stored along with the emotions, sensations and beliefs that occurred at the time. Then when something happens in the present that is similar in some way to the original event, the perceptions link into the memory network to be made sense of, the stored memory is triggered and those emotions, physical sensations and thoughts can arise. But the body/mind can’t distinguish between the source of the past and present responses. We experience it in the here and now, and react to the world accordingly. These fearful responses can be focused on a specific object, like a dog because one previously bit me. Or they can be something we call “vicarious traumatization” caused by events we might have heard or seen second hand. Think about how many people had trouble going swimming in the ocean after seeing the movie Jaws.

Other times, fears involve situations rather than objects. For instance, fear of public speaking is a common one and often stems from childhood failures or humiliations. The memories of these early experiences remain stored in the brain and become triggered at even the thought of public speaking. So, many people simply avoid doing it and don’t actually feel a need to overcome this fear unless forced into it by a job assignment that demands it, or perhaps a desire to promote a particular cause. In such instances, the anxiety can often be overcome by concentrating on the good that will be accomplished. By focusing on the contribution you are making, and reminding yourself that “it’s not about me,” certain levels of fear can be overcome. Other times, different kinds of self-control techniques will manage it. But some times the early memories will need to be processed to overcome the problem.

It’s also useful to remember that even if we live with pervasive feelings of anxiety and fear, the problems also stem from our unprocessed memories. Here’s an example from my book Getting Past Your Past:

Meg came into therapy because of extreme self-consciousness, shyness and lack of self-confidence. She always felt as if people were watching and judging her, even while she was simply standing in line at the grocery store.

Often, we have no conscious recollection of the sources of our problem. However, specific EMDR therapy techniques can be used to identify them. In Meg’s case it turned out to be something that happened to her when she was a teenager. Her parents had divorced and she hadn’t seen her father in many years. When he called to invite her to stay with him in Florida for a couple of days she was elated. He took her to the beach, but unfortunately she’d never been to one before, didn’t know about sunscreen and got severely burned.

The next day, while at his house, she was supposed to help clean but couldn’t because she was in so much pain as a result of the sunburn. Her father looked at her with contempt and said, “I can’t believe you were so stupid as to not put sunscreen on.” That visit was the last time she saw or heard from him. In retrieving the memory for processing, even though it was years later, it felt to Meg “like a kick in the gut.” The shame that was part of that memory arose whenever anyone looked at her, causing her to feel insecure and self-conscious. Basically, it had poisoned her sense of who she was over the past 20 years.

Many events can happen in childhood that get locked into our brain as unprocessed memories. They don’t always involve parents or major rejections, but they can nevertheless harm us for decades. Here’s another example from my book:

Janice came in for therapy with a very long history of taking too many antacids. At this point it was life threatening because she was taking them so often that they were practically ripping up her stomach. She also had no memory of why it had started; she only knew that she was horrified of getting sick to her stomach. The clinician used the EMDR procedures … to find the source of these feelings. What Janice then remembered was being in grade school when the girl next to her in class vomited. Trying to stop herself, the girl put her hand over her mouth and the vomit went sideways into Janice’s hair. Janice went running out of the room feeling panicky, humiliated and unclean. This was the memory at the bottom of the antacid abuse. After processing the memory, she no longer felt the need for them.

Intense fear of vomiting is called emetophobia. A report of a similar case recently appeared in a scientific journal. The 46-year-old patient was so shackled by fear that she couldn’t be with her own children when they were ill for fear that they would throw up. She avoided visits to hospitals, medical programs on TV and films for “fear of seeing people that might feel unwell, and who therefore might vomit.” Like Meg, her fear stemmed from a childhood incident. In this case, merely seeing another girl vomit in class had given her the feeling of “pure powerlessness” that had become encoded in her brain. After processing the memory she said:

I can already tell you now that my first memory of kindergarten already feels very neutral. That I even thought back with pleasure on it today. The image of filling the paste jars came up again, which I always enjoyed so much, and also the sweet face of the teacher.

After the processing, her symptoms disappeared. The memory became “digested” and was now stored appropriately in her memory networks. The event just became one incident in an otherwise happy time in her life. Now, this case report was published in the journal Mental Illness. But the take-home message is that whether the debilitation is large or small, this kind of description does not need to define you. Rather than buying into the fear, you can use self-help techniques to deal with them. And if they aren’t enough, remember that it’s OK to ask for a therapist’s assistance to process the memories. It’s not “all in your head.” The problem is generally stemming from unprocessed memories stored in the brain. The bottom line here is that whatever anxiety or fear may be running you, if you approach it as “inappropriate physical storage emitting unhelpful responses,” you can take the steps necessary to change.

References:

de Jongh, A. (2012). Treatment of a woman with emetophobia: A trauma focused approach. Mental Illness, 4:e3, 10-14.

Shapiro, F. (2012). Getting past your past: Take control of your life with self-help techniques from EMDR therapy. New York: Rodale

For more information on the EMDR Institute, visit http://www.emdr.com.

For more about the EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Programs, visit http://www.emdrhap.org.

For more by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., click here.

For more on PTSD, click here.

How to Analyze Dreams | Lifescript.com.

This is a great website!   – Renee

We all sleep, we all dream, and many of us would like to be able to analyze dreams to extract the meaning. We all know that dreams are products of the unconscious and that they belong to the major part of our brain that operates below the self-perceptive threshold of the “I”. This part of the brain is always “on” to some degree, even in the deepest sleep, processing information in multiple drafts, a few of which are presented to the “I” for action or contemplation. Actually, only a tiny fraction of what the brain thinks about is recognized by the consciousness, which implies memory. If you cannot remember something, you are not conscious of it. The brain is also a pattern seeker; it tries to impose order and organize thoughts. That is what dreams are: patterns imposed on bits and fragments of ideas, desires, fears, and training. It is not impossible to analyze dreams, but it can be tricky. Use the following guide to help you understand your dreams.

There have been many approaches to analyzing dreams, and as many opinions as to the importance of dream analysis. Perhaps the best-known advocate of analyzing dreams in order to understand the dreamer is Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis. His rather narrow dream interpretation saw them as driven by repressed sexual desires manifesting as wish fulfillment often accompanied by feelings of guilt, which turned the dream into a nightmare. Other researchers who have tried to analyze dreams regard them as ranging in value from a sputtering of sleepy brain cells to visions of the future, all with anecdotal evidence to back them up. The final judgment may still be undetermined, but you can still analyze your dreams by following some simple guidelines.

The first thing needed is a method of recording your dreams. A pad and pencil on the bedside table will do, although a voice recorder might be more your style in keeping with the digital age. The point is that many dreams barely make it to consciousness, and they have to be fixed somehow in a permanent medium before they slip away from memory. Even very vivid and highly emotional dreams that you generally would not forget, nevertheless quickly fade in detail. That is why you need to be dedicated to getting the dream down as soon as you waken, because it is all too easy to just turn over and fall asleep again. Do not record just one or two dreams; themes are often repeated across many dreams, and proper dream analysis requires an insight into the whole series. If you work with a week or two of dreams, you will be much more likely to discover trends of interpretation.

A little trick can help you remember your dreams. It sounds simple, but, before you go to sleep, simply say to yourself: “I will remember my dream when I wake up.” Autosuggestion can set strong triggers in the unconscious mind. Go ahead and test it – try telling yourself what time you want to wake up. You may never need an alarm clock again!

How to Smudge With Sage | eHow.com.

I got asked about saging today.  I wanted to share a basic article on how to smudge a room with sage.  I have found dried sage at Whole Foods market and at new age stores.  – Renee

From ehow.com

Whenever you feel the need to cleanse or purify yourself, a room, an object or another person, you can perform a smudging ritual. Smudging is a Native American ritual used in purification ceremonies to cleanse and balance the aura or energies of people, places and objects. To smudge, light a smudge stick, or a densely packed bundle of dried sage herbs. The lit sage bundle produces a cloud of fragrant smoke that you can waft around a person or place that needs spiritual cleansing.

Instructions

Tips & Warnings

• Use a smudge stick to cleanse and purify an entire house. If you are moving into a new house, cleanse the house of any residual energies of its previous owner by smudging the house before you move your furniture and belongings into it.
• Obtain sage smudge sticks from a new age store. Smudge sticks are available with a mixture of herbs, such as sage, cedar and sweetgrass.

Rock On: Powerful Gemstones for Every Sign – MyDaily Horoscopes.

Gemstones are more than just pretty ornaments. These natural, earth-based beauties also have the power to heal, protect, relax and clarify, and certain gemstones are particularly beneficial for each Sun sign (not to mention your Moon and Rising signs as well).

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Diamond: Like Aries, a sign known for its strength and survival skills, the diamond is the hardest of the gems. It carries masculine energy, evoking your inner warrior and helping you to pursue your goals and persevere in challenging times. Considered the stone of innocence and purity, this precious gem also assists you with attaining spiritual clarity and speaking your heart’s truth. Associated with wealth, the diamond can help you attract abundance in all areas of life.
Bloodstone: A deep green stone with red specks, bloodstone (also known as heliotrope) can help calm, center and ground overwrought Aries energy, especially in survival situations. Bloodstone is traditionally associated with many healing properties, including removing energy blocks, releasing emotional traumas and aligning the chakras. It is said to increase courage and enhance the intellect, while lessening confusion and anxiety.
Additional gemstones associated with Aries: jasper, ruby, carnelian, garnet

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Amber: Amber is not actually a stone but the petrified resin of trees that once grew in forests along the Baltic sea — appropriately earthy origins for nature-loving Taurus. Amber’s gold-orange color is known for grounding and stabilizing higher spiritual energies into the physical body. Its influence is simultaneously calming and energizing, enhancing patience, protection and balance. Amber is said to absorb negative energy, thereby promoting the body’s ability to heal itself.
Rose quartz: Traditionally associated with Venus, the planetary ruler of Taurus, this beautiful pink stone opens and heals the heart. Rose quartz is recommended for all love-related matters, whether you are recovering from a painful relationship, interested in attracting a new romance, or simply looking to get in touch with your true feelings. Rose quartz can strengthen self-worth, thereby helping you feel deserving of love. Its gentle vibration radiates peace and calm, soothing sensitive emotions.
Additional gemstones associated with Taurus: turquoise, blood coral, emerald, sapphire

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Agate: Mentally active (and sometimes hyperactive) Gemini can benefit from the grounding and calming influence of this stone. By strengthening the body’s connection to the earth, Agates enhance courage and vitality while protecting from energy drains and stress. Considered a stone of harmony, the Agate can inspire the Twins’ multiple personalities to come into a state of balance and integration. Carry or wear agate when you have to make an important decision — this stone will sharpen your sight, stimulate your intellect and dispel fears.
Citrine: Appropriate for brainy Gemini, citrine was traditionally called the stone of the mind. Citrine enhances mental clarity and opens the mind to new ways of thinking. By strengthening the intellect, this stone diminishes irrational mood swings and promotes a sense of well-being and self-confidence. Citrine is also known as the lucky “Merchant’s Stone,” bringing success and prosperity, especially in the realm of business and commerce.
Additional gemstones associated with Gemini: chrysoprase, pearl, moonstone, white sapphire

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Moonstone: This magical gemstone is, not surprisingly, associated with the Moon, Cancer’s planetary ruler. Moonstone is said to absorb the healing power of the Moon, and the most powerful time to wear it is during a Full Moon. Moonstone offers protection for Cancer’s sensitive nature while enhancing intuition, feminine energies and psychic abilities. Considered a stone of inner growth and spiritual perception, moonstone is an excellent ally during meditation. Additionally, moonstone brings success in both love and business.
Pearl: Cancer’s ever-shifting emotional tides are supported by the pearl, which attunes its wearer to the ebb and flow of life while providing a calming and centering influence. Traditionally called the “Mother Stone,” the pearl resonates with Cancer’s maternal energy, fostering motherly love and protection. Pearls are also said to increase fertility. On a material level, they attract fame and wealth.
Additional gemstones associated with Cancer: emerald, ruby

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Tourmaline: Tourmaline is often associated with the heart, the part of the body ruled by Leo. This stone can help you open yourself to love and it enhances compassion, happiness and serenity. Leo is a naturally creative sign, and tourmaline provides added inspiration — or can help jumpstart the process if you’re feeling blocked. Tourmaline strengthens your ability to manifest your goals, and it attracts abundance and prosperity as it makes others more receptive to your talents. Traditionally used as a meditation stone, tourmaline is also considered helpful for channeling.
Carnelian: Carnelian’s warm red-orange color resonates with Leo’s innate vivacity and can provide an extra boost of energy. This stone supports healthy self-expression, self-assertion, individuality and courage and is considered one of the best allies for promoting your talents and manifesting your desires. Also considered to have protective properties, carnelian is particularly associated with protection from envy, gossip and anger.
Additional gemstones associated with Leo: sardonyx, onyx, golden topaz

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Blue sapphire: Considered a sacred stone in Buddhism, the blue sapphire brings order and clarity to the mind, thereby increasing your ability to access spiritual wisdom. Since Virgo is prone to anxiety and worry — populating the mind with distracting or unproductive thoughts — this gemstone is particularly useful. The color blue is traditionally associated with the heavens, and Virgo benefits from this reminder of a higher perspective. Blue sapphire also increases mental flexibility, helping Virgos release hardened attitudes and open themselves to new possibilities.
Jasper: Ameliorating the Virgo tendency toward hyper-analysis, jasper helps you reconnect with your earthy, feminine nature, including sensuality and healthy sexuality. Jasper comes in many colors, and while each variation holds particular healing powers, all colors are said to balance emotions and vibrations in the body. A stone of gentleness and relaxation, jasper can assist an ever-busy Virgo to take a break and experience peace and comfort.
Additional gemstones associated with Virgo: carnelian, jade, moss agate

Libra (Sept. 23 –-Oct. 22)
Lapis lazuli: Considered a stone of universal truth and friendship, lapis is said to foster harmony in relationships — always a priority for significant-other-oriented Libra. At the same time, lapis supports expressing your authentic self and inner truth, which can sometimes be challenging for this peace-seeking sign. Highly valued for its spiritual properties, lapis helps you to access sacred knowledge, expand consciousness, communicate with your spirit guides and purify your mind and soul.
Opal: Libra readily appreciates the qualities of this lovely and seductive stone, which stimulates the erotic nature. Opal helps release inhibitions and embrace spontaneity, ameliorating the Libran tendency to mentally evaluate all sides of a situation — and therefore postpone taking action. Opals contain water, correlating with the emotional realm, and bring to the surface feelings that have been repressed. One of the seven sacred stones of the Cherokees, opal is also valued for its spiritual properties, helping open the mind to mysticism and higher wisdom.
Additional gemstones associated with Libra: emerald, rose quartz, peridot (chrysolite)

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Aquamarine: The name of this beautiful blue gemstone refers to the ocean and resonates with Scorpio’s watery nature. The element Water represents the emotional realm, and Scorpio’s waters run deep — so deep, in fact, that this sign sometimes gets lost in the depths. Aquamarine can soothe Scorpio’s intense emotions and counteract the forces of darkness, bringing a sense of tranquility, as well as clear insight, to underlying feelings. By aligning the physical and spiritual bodies, aquamarine can help you attune to higher levels while remaining grounded.
Black obsidian: This powerful stone — which is actually natural glass formed from lava — absorbs darkness and converts it into light. Obsidian enhances Scorpio’s innate transformational and occult powers. The color black symbolizes mastery over the physical plane, and black obsidian is said to draw higher forces into the body to be used in pragmatic ways. Black obsidian acts as a mirror, reflecting any imperfections in one’s nature and magnifying fears and insecurities. In this way, any dark areas are brought into the light to be released or healed.
Additional gemstones associated with Scorpio: topaz, beryl, Apache tear, coral

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Turquoise: Valued as a sacred stone in many spiritual traditions, turquoise helps truth-seeking Sagittarius attune to higher consciousness. Additionally, turquoise is considered a communication stone, enhancing a speaker’s eloquence, honesty and creativity — and offsetting the Sagittarian foot-in-mouth syndrome. Turquoise improves the mind by increasing intuition, sensitivity and positive thinking, resulting in a calmer mental state that leads to greater wisdom.
Topaz: Although naturally buoyant and optimistic, Sagittarius sometimes loses faith, and topaz can be a great ally in releasing negativity and returning to joy and love. Topaz can help you meditate upon and visualize your desires, then take action to manifest them. By assisting you to connect with universal energies, Topaz brings insight into what is needed for the highest good of all. The ancient Romans dedicated this gemstone to Jupiter — Sagittarius’ ruling planet — which is associated with success, confidence, expansion, faith and self-realization.
Additional gemstones associated with Sagittarius: sapphire, amethyst, ruby

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Ruby: By enhancing confidence, courage and joy, ruby can compensate for the Capricorn tendency toward melancholy and negativity. Ruby’s deep red color strengthens the heart and invites love for self, others and Spirit. Capricorn has a well-deserved reputation as the hardest-working sign of the zodiac, and ruby is a great ally in restoring depleted energy reserves and promoting stamina, vitality and strength. Ruby is said to increase generosity as well as attract abundance and prosperity.
Black onyx: This deeply grounding stone enhances the Capricorn traits of perseverance, spiritual strength and humility. Black onyx absorbs or deflects any negativity in your environment, helping you to stay focused on the task at hand. If you’re feeling victimized by external influences, Black onyx can bring back the sense that you are the master of your own fate. Black onyx is also considered useful for letting go of the past and promoting healthy change, as well as releasing old beliefs that no longer serve you.
Additional gemstones associated with Capricorn: garnet, agate

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Garnet: If Aquarians get stuck in the mental realm, garnet can help bring this sign back into the body by boosting sexual energy, passion, sensuality and general vitality. Friends and community are of great importance to Aquarius, and garnet both stabilizes relationships and enhances popularity. Garnet is said to promote success in business and improve higher education and professional prospects. On a spiritual level, garnet heightens clairvoyant abilities and is considered a powerful ally for accessing the wisdom of dreams.
Sugilite: One of the newest and rarest gemstones, sugilite has been associated with the New Age — otherwise known as the Age of Aquarius. This deep purple stone is considered to have powerful healing and metaphysical properties. Sugilite balances and integrates mind, body and spirit; opens the psyche to higher states of consciousness; and supports the ability to channel. Additionally, sugilite opens the heart to unconditional, divine love, balancing the Aquarian tendency to live in the mind.
Additional gemstones associated with Aquarius: amethyst, moss agate, opal

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Amethyst: Hyper-sensitive and energy-absorbent Pisces can greatly benefit from amethyst, which repels vibrations that the body does not need. Calming both the mind and nervous system, amethyst has been called “nature’s tranquilizer,” and is useful for releasing tension and soothing anxiety. Amethyst can also assist with healing from grief and releasing addictions, and supports general emotional stability. Considered an excellent meditation stone, amethyst enhances psychic abilities and spiritual awareness.
Jade: A highly revered stone in Asian cultures, jade is said to provide a link between earth and spirit. This quality can be helpful for Pisces, a sign associated with escapism and addictions due to the challenge of integrating higher consciousness on the earthly plane. During stressful times, jade can help reduce anxiety, worry and fear, bringing in a sense of peace, balance and confidence. Jade helps you accept things as they are, enabling you to move forward and take the next practical steps to resolve a challenging situation.
Additional gemstones associated with Pisces: aquamarine, bloodstone, rock crystal, sapphire

A medium is a person who claims that he or she can channel another person. Specifically, a person whose body has passed and whose spirit remains. The spirit sends vibrations and energy to the psychic medium who then transmits the images and energies to the person who needs to receive the message from the other side. That sounds complicated, and it is complicated in theory. But, when a medium is good at what he or she does, it can actually give the reader great satisfaction in their ability to help people dealing with the passing of a loved one, or the spirit communicating with the human world. Many mediums get messages through being tuned in to another person’s energy. Mediums can have many different spiritual energies around them at all times.

It is often hard for mediums to go into crowded areas because of the amount of spirits and energies around. I have heard of mediums having particularly hard times sleeping and or being around objects and/or spaces where many people have lost their lives. The immediate areas that I have heard that have been tough are on subway trains, near the 9/11 memorial, and near the town of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

Mediums do not necessarily do predictions for the past or future. Mediums pick up on a person’s or pet’s energy and transmit that thought to the person being read. Some mediums do tarot card readings or clairvoyant readings, but those readings do not include channeling or mediumship. Clairvoyant psychics also pick up on energy, but the energy can be focused on the person being read versus a person who passed or another entity in that person’s life. Generally speaking, if you are wanting to look into the future, you would want a clairvoyant or tarot card reader instead of a medium. With that being said, you can get excellent psychic readings from all of the above, it just is important to determine what YOU want to focus on in your psychic reading.

It is important to also note, ALL psychic readings being either clairvoyant readings, medium readings, tarot card readings, and etc. are for entertainment. YOU are the biggest asset in a reading. YOUR intuition is very important. Psychics are fun to speak to, but please be reasonable in how you use the information.

Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.: Why Our Unconscious Rules Us and What to Do About It.

One of the common denominators of people who enter therapy is the feeling of being “stuck” in some way. Often there is the feeling of not being able to break out of a set of behaviors, feelings or thoughts. People know “it should be different,” but can’t seem to get things to really change for themselves. Their moods may come and go, but somehow they keep slipping back into old patterns. Regardless of the number of accomplishments, feelings of not being good enough still arise. Regardless of how spiritual, feelings of anxiety emerge. Regardless of how hard they try, up comes the sense of being out of control. So where do these feelings generally come from? The simple answer is from the memories that form our unconscious mind.

The experiences we’ve had in life are stored in networks of brain cells called neurons. These networks determine how we interpret new experiences, and our moment-to-moment feelings. When something happens in the present, it automatically links into our preexisting memory networks, and we respond accordingly. So, for example, when we meet someone new, we may find ourselves liking or disliking the person based partially upon other people we’ve encountered in the past who are similar in some way. These automatic responses occur because the brain is geared to link up whatever happens in the present with our memories of past experiences in order to make sense of the world. If I’d never seen a cup, I’d have no idea what to do with it. If I have previous experiences with cups then I may simply reach out to use it. I don’t have to think it through. I don’t have conscious images of other cups I’ve seen before. It’s just a natural, automatic reaction based upon my memory networks. However, if I’d been hit on the head repeatedly with a cup, I may have a negative reaction to it without consciously knowing why. And when negative feelings like “I’m not good enough” emerge in different situations, the reasons are the same. My memory networks are shaping my current reactions in the world.

The memories stored in our brain are either processed or unprocessed. If they are processed, it means that the brain has done its job and integrated a learning experience into our memory networks. Something happened that was disturbing, but I learned what I needed from it. I fight with a family member and I have a negative emotional and body reaction, but time passes and I think about it, talk about it, dream about it, and soon it doesn’t bother me any more. The appropriate connections are made in my brain and I might realize: “He’s been going through a hard time. We’ve had rough spots before and worked them out.” I decide what action to take and I feel better. In my memory network, what is useful is stored and what’s useless — like the feelings of anxiety or anger — is gone.

That is what the brain is geared to do: make the appropriate connections, “digest” the experience and store it in memory. But sometimes an experience can be so disturbing that the information processing system of the brain becomes imbalanced. When that happens, the experience is stored in an “unprocessed” form and still contains the emotions, physical sensations and beliefs that occurred at the time of the original event. So when I see the person again, instead of feeling OK, I have the same feeling of anger, hurt and anxiety.

What’s important here is that just the sight of the person can trigger the feelings, even years later, whether I consciously remember the fight or not. The negative feelings automatically arise from my unconscious memory connections. The brain is just doing its job, but unfortunately, the automatic connections are being made from unprocessed, rather than processed memories. That’s why numerous divorces occur. The painful unprocessed past experiences (affairs, fights, disappointments) continue to get triggered and don’t let the partners reconcile.

The examples of unprocessed memories I used in previous blogs involved traumas that are used to diagnose post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). But recent research has clearly shown that many kinds of life experiences, even if it is not a “major trauma,” can cause the same types of responses. Of course, sometimes there are organic/hereditary factors that make us more susceptible to certain kinds of problems. But even in those instances, the research generally indicates that experiences are also involved. And any experience that was sufficiently disturbing can get locked into our memory networks as an unprocessed memory.

For instance, being bullied or humiliated as a child is often associated with strong reactions related to “survival fear.” It’s the equivalent of being “cut out of the herd,” which on an evolutionary level means death. So, if your body tightens or you have visceral negative emotions arising when you think of a time you were humiliated in school, that memory is still unprocessed. If you go into a similar situation as an adult, the same negative feelings may arise. For instance, some surveys show that fear of public speaking in the U.S. is even higher on the list than a fear of death. That’s often an example of unprocessed memories from childhood stored in the brain, with emotions arising from the unconscious connections and running the show.

Sometimes our negative reactions may take the form of low-grade “misery” emerging at certain times. But sometimes our responses can be extreme and define the way we view ourselves. Here’s an example from my book Getting Past Your Past:

Stephanie hadn’t been able to work for two years because she thought her coworkers were contemptuous of her. She was sure she smelled because of excessive sweating, even though she bathed twice a day, frequently changed her underwear, and used lots of powder and deodorant. She couldn’t bear to be in social situations because she thought people were talking about her. Over the past 15 years she’d had a number of hospitalizations because of thoughts of suicide and was on three different medications.

Stephanie suffered from a diagnosis known as body dysmorphic disorder. The symptoms are sometimes misdiagnosed, because the negative beliefs involving an imagined body flaw are seen as a “delusion.” However, what we’ve found with EMDR therapy is that, once again, it is simply evidence of an unprocessed childhood memory at work. We use specific techniques to identify the source of the problem, and Stephanie remembered what had caused her suffering:

She was 12 years old and she’d brought in food as her teacher had instructed for her Friday cooking class. Unfortunately the class was cancelled. Returning to school on Monday, she went to her gym locker and took out the bag she thought contained her gym clothes. When she opened it, the room was filled with the odor of rotting fish — the food she’d forgotten and left over the weekend after the cancelled cooking class. Her schoolmates made fun of her, accusing her of dirty underwear. Then she was sent to the principal, who scolded her for poor hygiene.

This event had been stored in her brain. It took only three sessions to process the memory and all the symptoms disappeared and remained gone five years later. It’s not unusual. EMDR therapy results with similar cases were published in the journal, Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy. Decades of suffering had been caused by a childhood event that was profoundly disturbing at the time but had been subsequently forgotten. This happens all the time.

So, the bottom line is that whether your personal problem seems big or small, there is a likelihood that unprocessed memories are at work. The unconscious isn’t really such a murky place after all. It’s simply cause-and-effect reactions that you can learn to identify and take steps to master.

References:

Brown, K. W., McGoldrick, T., & Buchanan, R. (1997). Body dysmorphic disorder: Seven cases treated with eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 25, 203-207.

Mol, S. S. L., Arntz, A., Metsemakers, J. F. M., Dinant, G., Vilters-Van Montfort, P. A. P., & Knottnerus, A. (2005). Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder after non-traumatic events: Evidence from an open population study. British Journal of Psychiatry, 186, 494-499.

Obradovic´, J., Bush, N.R., Stamperdahl, J., Adler, N.E. & Boyce, W.T. (2010). Biological sensitivity to context: The interactive effects of stress reactivity and family adversity on socioemotional behavior and school readiness. Child Development, 1, 270-289.

Shapiro, F. (2012). Getting past your past: Take control of your life with self-help techniques from EMDR therapy. New York: Rodale

For more information on the EMDR Institute, visit http://www.emdr.com.

For more about the EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Programs, visit http://www.emdrhap.org.

For more by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., click here.

For more on PTSD, click here.